God damn it.
We’ve been grounded. Or perhaps more accurately, I’ve been grounded. Fracture
says we’re not allowed to go anywhere because we’re waiting on special
permissions for my next assignment. They aren’t even pretending I’m being sent
out for actual work anymore.
And this town is so incredibly boring. I don’t know how Fracture was able to
keep cooped up in this motel room for five days without losing it. I’ve only
had to stay here for one and I’m beginning to lose it. I keep going through my
list checking to see if there are any other marks I could be knocking out as
long as I’m stuck here but there is nobody.
I wish I could at least take comfort in my own metal health but that was ruined
for me too. I figured coming out of a mental break down was going to mean I was
going to be extra stable and ready to go for a little while. I’m starting to
think the opposite might actually be true. Yesterday, I… I randomly broke into
tear and I don’t know why. I wasn’t sad or extremely happy, nor was I tired or
my eyes sore. It was fucking bizarre and I couldn’t make it stop. The thought
that I was sad about something kind of made me actually sad.
I tried to talk to Fracture about it. That got me this:
“You seem to be suffering from some deep
seeded emotional trauma that your conscious mind is refusing to acknowledge for
one reason or another.”
“Umm… ok then? How do I fix it?”
And then he went silent on me. He’s so incredibly fucking useless. What good
does it do me to just identify the problem if you can’t fucking fix it?
And you know I could have taken all of this in strife without a word. I
normally wouldn’t need a vent. But Fracture has there terrible fucking habit of
singing following a session. I can hear him passively spewing out lyrics to
some song as he sits there going through his notes. Most of the songs seem to
tie back to whatever our discussion was about but I’m stumped on this one.
“Blue eyes, blue eyes, what’s a matter,
I don’t fucking have blue eyes. I can’t fucking take this.
I think… I think I’m going to go beat him with a marker. I hate to prove him
right but I need to shut him up.