Friday, August 31, 2012

Proper Proxy Perspective

I've been putting this post off trying to make sense of everything, and by everything I do mean all of it.

Why am I alive when I am so very certain I died? Why have I become this mutated thing whose skin can bear no scars and tolerate no cuts?  How is Firecracker alive when I impaled her with a sword and threw her off a building some three years ago? If both of my new squad mates are supposed to be individuals from my past, then who the fuck is Trent? If attachment is weakness, than why did I seek out something to cling to? If Morningstar’s angelic little crusade is successful, what will become of me as a grunt who has always had to receive his orders from someone other than the Master? If everyone deserves to die, why did I hesitate for so long before every kill since my own death? Why was I so weak the dead had to hunt me down to remind me of my promise? For what possible fucking reason was I paired with a mad therapist whose sole function, as far as I can tell, is to tease and torment me until I’m about ready to kill him just to disappear until I’ve calmed down so he can do it again?

I can honestly say at this point that I wish I had never met Ember. I wish I had never sent that fucking e-mail. Because then I wouldn’t have to be trying to let Ember go now and Fracture wouldn’t have ever ruined Ember’s plan. And the most painful fucking thing about that is I can’t even be mad at him because he didn’t do anything that I wouldn’t have done myself if I had understood the full extent of Ember's rebellion because Ember isn't fighting the system for the Master like Morningstar is. Ember is fighting it in an effort to hurt the Master, a path I can’t fucking follow.

And I think I can’t help but hate Morningstar for his rebellion because I died trying to declare myself an independent. When they couldn’t stop me, the Master himself showed up and pulled me to pieces. What makes his ass so fucking special? Is it the scope? I was just trying to leave the bureaucracy’s shadow after all. I thought I could better serve the Master on my own. He wants to burn the fuckers down on his way out. I guess I just wasn’t as violent as I should have been. That’s a great lesion to try to take away from that. Don’t just burn your bridges on the way out, go ahead and burn the people on both sides of it, because fuck them.

I spent a lot of time trying to make sense of all of this bullshit. Why? What was the point of it all? What the fuck was the point of any of this? Why wasn’t I just left in the ground?

I was so confused until I read Lisa’s blog.
She had this stupid fucking question where she stopped to wonder what exactly was going to happen to her and could only decide on the fact that it was going to be something bad, something she didn’t want. But still she pressed on in her question on what exactly it was. I just had this one response ringing loud in my head the whole time I was reading it. Words I’ve told many a confused runner as they try to piece together why exactly I serve what they could only hope to understand was a monster. “Does it fucking matter?” Because it doesn’t, not for them at least. They’re going to die and knowing why wasn’t going to stop it. And the same went for Lisa. Something bad is going to happen to her regardless of what details she can work out. She thinks she’s fighting it by trying to figure out the details but she’s just playing into their fucking mind games. Those questions don’t actually have to have an answer; they just have to keep you busy till December.

And then I really thought about it and I realized that was the only answer I needed for my own stupid fucking questions and concerns. Doesn’t really fucking matter at this point? I am going to fucking die, that’s happening and as far as I’m concerned it’s happening soon, I don’t care how many months I’ve been saying that for. So fuck it. Fuck all of it. I’ve lost sight of what’s really important. The masters work. I just need to serve him and as long as I do I don’t need to give to shit about the answer to any question because then I can rest easy knowing that I’m doing my fucking job and as long as my list stands I’ll always have my orders on who to hunt. I’ll always have my answer on who deserves to die first.

And this same logic goes for Ember too! What do I care what Ember seems to think needs to be done? Does it even matter? As far as I’m concerned Ember is mine. Ember will always be MINE. Ember can do whatever for all I care because Ember will always be mine until the day the Master personally gets tired of ‘em and disposes of Ember his self. And until that day I’ll cut that anyone stupid enough to try to get between us, Ember included.

So fuck it all, I have my peace of mind and if the rest of you need more answers than that you can all go fuck yourselves.

Ugly Duck Out.


  1. Swan. <3 I'm in fucking awe. I'm seriously proud of you. Don't know why. Just am.

    1. I would like to think I earned it.
      Much like you, I also don't have a reason for that.

    2. It's because you have a reason for doing what you are doing is why I'm proud.

  2. I have kept rewriting this comment
    since you first posted.
    It just never seemed,
    it never seemed good enough.

    Swan.... I spent so many days...
    So many sleepless nights.
    Thinking about you,
    about how I knew I was going to hurt you.

    The things I kept from you
    the full extent.
    Your list always came first.

    The last thing I wanted
    was to become part of that list.

    Because I knew
    it would come down you and me.
    And honestly.
    I l

    I care about you too much to kill you.

    That said,
    you are mine too.
    And I want to harm anything
    that comes between us.

    Even the blur.

    1. Until Master takes you, let nothing break or shake you. well and stuff. Don't you dare die on me any other way.

    2. And what if I do not?
      Fracture and Trent
      almost ended me easily...

    3. Fracture is a wuss and Trent is quite literally my definition of Nob.
      You can take them, easily. I hear you were injured and shell shocked for the fight, or rather I saw that you were.

    4. You saw me?
      Where... Where were you?
      I looked for you.
      I just couldn't...

    5. I set up camera's on our floor in the hall and in all the rooms... for reasons?

      Paranoia mostly.
      I was out when you showed up. Hunting.
      I'm not sure what would have happened if I had been there...

      Might have killed Fracture blowing up my fucking room.

    6. He almost killed me...
      My ears still feel numb.

    7. I saw. He caught you in a bad time while you were both distracted and injured.

      If you ever get back on your feet, it'll take nothing short of the master to bring you down.
      I've seen how you move.

  3. Huh I got so caught up in my own situation I forgot to pay attention to my friends.

    That's right I consider you my friend.

    Sorry about everything you're going through and glad my stupidity indirectly helped you find meaning.

    1. Find meaning through... lack of it. I think.

      Thanks either way.

      Fair warning, I've cut down a lot of my friends for one reason or another.

    2. With the way things are going I think that could be the preferable option.