Thursday, July 19, 2012


“Exactly, we bleed when we’re hurt.
When you hurt your body, you bleed blood. When you hurt your soul, you bleed tears.”

My blackouts were called into question recently. I thought I would spend some time discussing them and pour in some lies with the truth while I was at it; see if I can bait more snakes to leap out of their pots.

I in fact… am still suffering from blackouts. They certainly aren’t as bad as they were before. When I first crawled out from the rubble and discovered I was still alive I couldn’t so much as draw my blade without putting out someone’s flame. About the time I figured out how to get back in touch the bureaucracy, I had figured out how to hold back well enough that I could stop the blackouts as long as I had not made the decision that the person I was dealing with overly deserved physical and permanent harm. Although at that point I often had to dig into my own flesh to bite back the fog.

And then along came Firecracker, a living embodiment of my failures, and the order to bring her in alive. She was, and quite frankly still is, a monster that deserved to get thrown out of the tallest building I could find. But I owed her more than that and I had my orders. Something changed after I took her down, which consequently took me cutting into nearly every square inch of my exposed skin in order to pull off. I swear I almost bled out that day and considering my condition that is quite a feat.

After that I found I had gained much greater control over myself. I no longer needed to dig into my own flesh to fight back the urges, although I will admit I still find it calming and it does still kind of help. Fracture seems to think that’s a matter of habit or a way of exerting control over my own life. I think that’s stupid personally, I’m already well in control of my own life and if I wanted to inflict violence to prove I had control I would just break Fracture’s legs again simple as that.

I think I started rambling somewhere in there.
Now I only blackout when I go to perform the actual kill and it doesn’t take as long as it did before for me to snap back to reality. Although I have found that I have a new side effect that I experience following every blackout now, the incessant Fucking crying. Every. Single. Time.

It pained me to cry for that weak fuck Nemesis. He deserved every second of his slow death and if I thought I could draw it out any longer without him dying on me I would have. I want to remember slitting his fucking throat but it hurts to try. All of them fucking hurt to try to look back on although the fucking black fucking blood thing is still by far the most painful of any blackout to try to remember anything about. I should probably mention that trying to think back on a blackout also induces fucking tears.

I swear to god I am the biggest cry baby I know.

I’m tired of talking about this shit.
Swan out.


  1. Breathe, Swan. I know you might not appreciate the thought, but nobody's judging you for the whole crying thing. Except for maybe Fracture-- but it's anyone's game, as to which of you is going to kill the other first.

    Do you think the blackouts are ever going to stop?

    1. I could take the crying if I understood why it kept happening but there isn't a fucking reason for it. And no, I can't imagine the blackouts are going to go anywhere anytime soon. If anything I'm waiting for them to get worse. More black fucking blood incidents where I'm suddenly missing a week of my life.

    2. Well-- there is a reason. There has to be. The implications just seem to be that the reason is buried deep in your mind somewhere.

      There has to be a reason for everything. Blackouts included. And maybe, once you find that reason, you'll know how to stop the blackouts.

    3. Why does there have to be a reason? And how would that help me?

      It doesn't help me to know that gravity made the apple fall. Gravity was already there. Apples don't go back into the tree after that. It's done, its going to die as parts slowly rot away and creatures pick at it.

    4. Cause and effect, Swan. Equivalent exchange. You can't have a reaction without an initial action. Therefore, there's a reason.

      Yes, but by knowing that gravity made the apple fall, you can learn to expect when the other apples are going to drop and catch them when they do-- or even better, pick them before they do. And a rotting apple can be salvaged if you cut the rotting bits out.

      I can go 'round and 'round with you on metaphors, man. At the end of the day, I'm just concerned.

    5. Evil is.

      I don't remember newton ever getting around to making an automatic apple catcher or anyone there after. Even if you can salvage the apple for a little while, it will continue to rot.

      Bring it on concerned cat!